i have had the week from hell in more ways than you can even imagine and i'll be sure to post about them later so you can all laugh at my misfortunes but at the moment i am just relaxing and waiting for some computer game to load that i am supposed to be playing with j. i have an entire week off before next term of school starts and when j goes back to work after the labor day holiday i will have two or three whole entire days to myself. i'm looking forward to them immensely. now i just wish final grades would come out... i have them for two of my classes and got 98% and 103% whoohoo. i know i have an A in the last one too but i want to see it dangit. if that would happen and we would win the lottery and someone would come clean my house i'd be super happy forreal now.

my days have been insane. 
i had to quit my job because i was leaving for tx to get married and they couldnt let me take time off. then the day before i left, the boy got word that he was leaving for ga and would not even be there! 
so now i am unemployed. and possibly moving in about three weeks to north carolina. 
however, the army likes to change things up until the absolute last minute to make sure we're all on our toes or something so i am not sure if we're even going.
so im procrastinating and not packing, of course. 
i did try on wedding dresses today for the first time in my life. i dont think it was as eventful as i expected. i was having a bad day though and i just think i didnt get out of it what i could. my mom cried though. i cried while we were picking out wedding rings a few weeks ago so i guess we're even. 
the sun was out today too, which was awesome. i even wore shorts to celebrate the 60+ degree weather in true oregonian fashion. when in rome... 
so i need to get a tan and get out and exercise more. im thinking if i leave my running shoes on my bed so they are staring me in the face when i wake up i might feel like i actually have to do something. we'll see how that works eh. 

forgive me if it sounds like my heart is not in it this time. i just typed about two pages of things i wanted to tell you and the computer erased everything. i am going to try again but some of this will have to wait until later. 
last night when we talked on the phone you didnt really seem like you wanted to talk. i really dont know how to cheer you up when youre like that. i wish i did. you told me too that you didnt want to talk about the army but you wouldnt say why. i dont know if its because you are worried about going to iraq, if you think i'm going to criticize everything they have you do, or if youre just plain tired of talking about it. i do still have a lot of questions though so i hope you change your mind at some point. in the meantime though, i'll just write them all down here.
after we talked last night i watched some iraq diary show on the military channel. i know you tell me i cant believe everything i see on tv but it really did give me a better idea of what is going on over there. the way some of the people are living, especially the children, is just terrible to watch. it helped me to appreciate more what you were saying when you were here, about wanting to help them and wanting to make their quality of life better. i still feel like we should start with our own people first but i am at least beginning to see the other side of things. they are human beings just like us and deserve better. i have to have respect for everyone that is going over there and working day in and day out to make things better. if our soldiers have to their policemen i guess that is the way it has to be. i will probably never fully agree with everything the army does but i will try harder to understand the other side of things, especially if it is your side. i wanted to call you and tell you but i hoped you would be asleep by then and i didnt want to disturb you, especially because i still iwasnt sure if you wanted to be talking to me at all. even worse, it was about the army. so i kept it to myself and im writing it down here so i can tell you when the time is right. 
i am trying really hard not to take everything so personally, and i think as the days go by it will get easier and i will learn more patience. this morning i was sad to see you hadnt answered my texts and you hadnt called to say hello but i realize youre busy and dont always have the time for things like that. i hope soon i can fully accept that none of this means you dont care or you are giving up on us. 
this morning when i woke up (or rather, when i was woken from a sound sleep by mom yelling at the top of her lungs) there was snow outside. i guess she was trying to tell me but i, of course, figured we had like two flakes and just wanted to go back to sleep. but i gave in and opened the front door and there was snow all over!! i took a picture with my phone and texted it to you but just in case you didnt get to see it, here it is again: 

some of you may know me know that my boyfriend fiance is in the military and is currently stationed far from home at ft sam houston texas. he came back on christmas exodus after i hadn't seen him in almost two years and proposed to me! we had our tough times in the past but are ready to forgive and forget, or at least try and move forward. despite having moments where we weren't sure if we'd ever talk again at all, we found out that in some ways each of us had merely been waiting that whole time to get back to each other.  when he was here in december his orders had him going to korea in march after he completed his current phase of training, but he was trying to get into airborne training so we didn't know... 
after president bush made his carefully thought out, well-informed decision *coughcough* to increase troops in iraq his previous orders disappeared. now there is just a big blank space. a question mark that may ultimately decide the rest of our lives. needless to say, this big question mark is casting a bit of a shadow on us. his whole life is the army right now and we struggle sometimes not knowing if we should talk about boring day to day stuff that somehow seems unimportant or if we should tackle the bigger issues, the dreaded 'what ifs'. 
the whole thing was a bit of a surprise and the engagement wasnt something we had talked about before he came. he proposed on christmas eve (that is for another entry) and we got caught up in holiday festivities, spent a weekend in seattle, and then he was gone. all of it went by so quickly! now we dont know when we will be together again, or get an opportunity see each other for a moment, a weekend, even to get married. we tried to schedule something so we could at least get have a weekend together and get married on paper and i could help with his finances and be registered as his dependent, but his crazy training schedule is not permitting. so now we just wait. and we try our best to get through it. and sometimes we get mad and we argue and things seem like they will never be right again. sometimes i hate the military and just want to scream about how difficult they can make the littlest things. but life is life and ultimately this is a good decision for him, and us. and we will do our best to move forward. 
i've had this journal for years and it has been pretty much abandoned, but because its so hard for us to talk sometimes i'm going to use it to document all the things i want to tell him but dont have the precious time to say to him right now. it might be boring for a lot of people to read because im sure what i had for breakfast or what i watched on tv is of little interest to anybody but me. but i want to have a way for him to know all of the things he would normally be here for in person. i havent decided for sure but i think i am going to keep as much of this public as possible. there will be some things i may not feel like sharing with the world so i might make those friends-only. if anybody happens to come across these entries who has a husband or a family member in the military i'd like to hear from you. i have great family and amazing friends but sometimes i'd like to hear another side of things.

so i always complain in here so im going to write down some good things

.yesterday when i went through the drive thru at starbucks the lady in the window asked me if i wanted a free carmel frappucino (which i probably spelled wrong) because they were just going to throw it away if no one took it. the best part was that she was almost as excited that i was taking it as i was for getting it! funny how little things can make your day/evening/whatever

.i am starting my first book club book tonight and im excited

.we are having a random week of summer just as fall is supposed to be starting  here and its great

.they have been letting us go early from work, two days in a row this week! 

.i think i might actually get to take my flying lesson soon and im scared to death but super excited at the same time 

.its only 9:00 but im going to bed soon just because i can 

.jonny graduates from boot camp tomorrow, and even though i cant be there im excited for him

.i have managed to go two days in a row without wearing flip flops. small victories. 

...i'm sure there are other things i need to say but they are going to have to wait.